Did Bonding season 2 get you feeling extra kinky again?
Or is your partner leaving her copy of 50 Shades of Grey lying around in spots you can’t miss?
Is she itching for something more that you can’t figure out?
Is your current sex getting a little… stale?
Does it look like her hair needs a bit of pulling? Or is her ass begging for a spank? Even just a little one?
Then you’re in the right spot and I hope you’re buckled in… or tied up… or however you like your bondage.
Cause we’re going on one helluva ride.
In this article, we’re going to enter the world of BDSM.
It is huge.
There are many layers, levels and aspects to it, but this article will become a perfect stepping stone and guide for introducing some BDSM and kinkiness into your bedroom – or garden or car… if exhibitionism is your thing.
We’ll look into the following:
- What is BDSM?
- The difference between BDSM and Kink
- 10 kinky terms you need to know
- 5 common kinky mistakes and how to avoid them
- Most common kinks among women
- 2 new ways to talk to your partner about your kinks
- Negotiation and contracts
There are no right or wrong kinks.
If everyone involved knows what the kinks are about , and they have consented, it’s fine by me. I’m not here to judge or kink shame.
Exploring BDSM is about being open and tolerant.
You wanna be wearing a horse head with your hands tied to your feet while you’re balls deep in the domme of your dreams? Fine by me.
I’m here to tell you how to do it safely, what new things to try, and how to become better at the whole thing – so you can make her dreams and fantasies come true in a way no man has before.
Seriously, from knife play to wearing a chastity device, it can all be done safely. I won’t go into every single kink but if you follow my approach, you’ll be solid!
You see, a lot of guys talk the talk. They say they’re kinky, they throw around phrases like ‘contract’, ‘daddy’, ‘spank’ and they build up this huge repertoire… of disappointment.
It’s easy to talk a big game, then when it comes down to it, someone does something wrong, dangerous, and downright unattractive.
How you help your partner discover or try a new kink or BDSM as a whole, can change e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
So hang around, be patient and learn some things that will set you apart from the average man out there whipping out his ‘kink’ every chance he gets.
What is BDSM?
A lot of BDSM and kink is done poorly and this ruins everything for the people involved.
This is why we’re going balls-deep into this topic. You wanna be a daddy? A sir? A master? Then you need to do your research.
Firstly, even though there are only 4 letters in it, BDSM stands for a range of things.
We will dive deeper into each of these, but for now, here are broad definitions for each of them.
Bondage – Bondage is the consensual tying, binding, or restraining a partner for erotic, aesthetic, or sensational purposes.
Discipline – In certain dynamics, rules are set by the dominant partner and followed by the submissive partner (the sub). This is agreed to beforehand. When rules are broken, there is discipline – in the form of punishment or funishment, and can be psychological or physical, or both.
Domination – This is a broad term depending on the people taking part in it but in short, the dominant/dom is the one who has the control and decision-making power. This control is not taken or stolen, but freely and eagerly given by a sub.
Submission – The submissive / sub relinquishes control to the dominant – this comes with communicating, negotiating, and lots of trial and error. In short, a Dom tells a Sub what to do and they follow. Naturally, domination and submission go hand-in-hand.
Sadism – Gaining pleasure from inflicting pain – physical, psychological, or emotional. This can be for punishment or enjoyment.
Masochism – Gaining pleasure from receiving pain – physical, psychological, or emotional.
Got it? Good.
This is what makes up someone’s understanding of BDSM. And many kinks fall under these categories in ways you’ve never thought of.
ABCs of BDSM
Or as we like to call it, our kink-tionary.
The more you know, the more you can explain what you want and the more you can explore yourself. Here are a few words and terms that’ll set you apart from the average guy on the internet calling himself a ‘dom’.
Switch: This is someone who switches between being dominant and submissive depending on the scene or mood. It can happen between different scenes or during a scene.
Power exchange is where control or authority is willfully given by one person to another during a scene, activity, or relationship.
Top: This is a person who does the action during kinky play. They do the spanking, hair pulling, and whatever else to guide the playtime.
Bottom: This is the person at the receiving end of the action. The difference between this and a ‘sub’ is that there’s no power given up.
Hedonist/Sensualist: Someone whose main goal is their own pleasure and discovering what gives it to them.
Exhibitionist: Someone who enjoys being watched and seen by the public. (‘the public’ can even be 2 or 3 friends who aren’t involved in the play)
Voyeur: Someone who enjoys watching instead of being directly involved.
Rigger/rope top: A person who ties someone up using the art of bondage.
Rope Bunny/rope bottom: This is the person who enjoys being tied up.
Drop: This is like a comedown from drugs. It’s physical or emotional exhaustion that happens after (or during) a scene. When there is a lot of pain or pleasure in a scene, there are big chances for a drop. The signs of a drop include crying, feeling sad, and physical shaking. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but something you should be aware of.
Aftercare: This is a ‘care’ that happens after a scene. It could be emotional or physical and it’s done to prevent or help with a drop. The care can be anything from a cuddle to running your sub a bath – it depends on their needs.
Safeword: A code word or something that won’t come up accidentally. This means all play must stop immediately. If there’s anything you take from this article, make it this.
My preferred approach is called the ‘traffic light system 🚦’.
You do a check-in with her as the intensity increases.
- ‘Green’ means everything is good.
- ‘Orange’ means your sub is nearing her limit.
- ‘Red’ means stop and it means stop right now, don’t even try anything else.
Then there’s: Princess, Slut, Doll, primal, furry, spanko, bull, cuckold, cuckquean, brat (these subs love punishment!), baby girl, kitten, and a whole world more!
Whatever your kink, there’s a word and world for it out there within BDSM. They’re not essential to know but they can help you take control.
The one with more knowledge has the most power.
Let’s dive into the wrong ways to approach kink!
When ‘oh, yeah’ becomes ‘oh, fuck’ and BDSM ideas go wrong.
It’s got nothing to do with your BDSM play ideas. But people don’t speak about this stuff so it’s easy to mess up.
A few things I’ve seen guys get wrong
- They rush into it. They get so excited, they draw up contracts, they create punishments and they don’t do their damn homework. They end up scaring the girl or making a fool of themselves.
- They overcommit. Have you ever used a whip? It’s not as easy as it looks. It takes practice and if it goes wrong? Damn man. It can go very wrong. Try explaining that one in the emergency room
- They don’t do their homework. They learn from movies (or porn!) and think it’s that easy. Do you know how badly a spank can go? And hair pulling? Man, just watch one quick video to know what the risks are. If you are the dom or top? Know what you’re doing.
- They don’t communicate with their partner. They think their partner wants something or they’re inspired by porn or… an Instagram account. Look, I know it’s tough to begin discussing this. But you know you’ve got me, right? I’ve got tips, tricks and experience with exactly this. I got you.
- Safety. Now, BDSM isn’t always safe. Causing pain, restricting someone’s movement or breath play is dangerous (c’mon, it’s why we love it, right?) But there are safe ways of exploring this.
The top 5 kinks and BDSM ideas - according to women
I’ve looked across articles and studies to find kinks that excite women the most. The answers change according to experience and understanding of the word ‘kink’.
For women experienced with kink, the top activities include licking, spanking (85%!), hair pulling, scratching and bondage (78%, mind… blown!).
And many women don’t realise that their fantasies are kinky!
“I actually don’t have a ‘kink’, per se. I guess: choking, being tied up, slapping, rough play, blindfold, anal etc” – Courtney.
So these are good starting points, but remember, this will change for every single partner you bring to your bedroom.
If you get these right? Everything will change.
You will give her the kinds of orgasms many women can only ever dream of. So without further adieu, here’s what women want.
Bondage / rope bondage
Why do 52% of women love bondage?
They get to give up control and see you take over. A man who commands a scene is really fucking hot to women.
For some, it gives them a release. It lets them be raw and vulnerable. I know it sounds mushy and emotional but the more vulnerable and safe your sub feels with you, the more she can let go and the stronger her orgasm.
I don’t make the rules. Science does.
So how does bondage work? There are many ways to restrain someone.
- Spreader bars
- Leather restraints
- Silk restraints
- Ankle cuffs
- Rope
And a lot more. When you discuss this with your partner, go slow. Spreader bars don’t look intense but I promise you, they are.
My suggestion is to start with light rope bondage across different areas of her body.
There are many types of rope but it’s best to start with a softer type that won’t be harsh on her skin. Hemp rope is amazing but it can easily leave her with rope burn. Try a type like silk or nylon to begin with.
A good way to start is with basic knots to just tie her hands together.
I’ll share two ties with you. You can try them with a little bit of rope. Practice them. Practice on a table leg or your partner during non-sexual play so that when it’s time, you look like a pro.
Enjoy the process! Pretend you’re a sailor.
The first tie is called a simple handcuff knot.
This is a simple tie but get creative! Tie her hands in front, tie them at the back, tie her ankles. You can use it to tie her to a bedpost! You can use the remaining rope to tie her to a chair, to another part of the body, or even to a table.
The second is called a single-column tie.
The point of this knot is that the rope won’t tighten on itself as you’re pulling it. So once she’s tied, she can wriggle around and the rope won’t become dangerously tight. Or you can use it to take her wherever you want.
If you’re tying her wrist, ankles, or around her knees, stay away from the joints across her body. Place the rope slightly higher.
Get really good at these. They form the foundation for many other ties. If you want to explore bondage more, have a look at this book.
Before I move on, and I cannot stress this enough: safety is essential.
These ties are simple but the more you explore, the closer you get to nerves and the more dangerous it gets. Always make sure you can fit 2 fingers between her skin and the rope.
If your sub uses a safe word or if something’s gone wrong, stay calm and untie the rope immediately (then give her aftercare). If you’re uncertain, make sure you have safety scissors nearby.
Impact play
To put it simply, impact play is when one person receives impact from another – through slapping, whipping, flogging, spanking and more.
‘Implements’ are what we call the tools you can use during impact play – whips, floggers, wooden paddles… you name it.
This is honestly one where it gets difficult. Many people feel guilty for liking pain but there is science behind it.
Pain helps release endorphins and can literally make someone feel high. It can give them pleasure, it can make pleasure more intense for them, it can help them work through boundaries. The reasons are endless. This is where masochists thrive.
According to a survey on Reddit, impact ranked third in a list of fantasies for women.
There are different types of pain and you need to figure out what type works for you and your partner.
First… let’s talk about location. Usually, the meatier the body part, the better. Stay away from shallow nerves, fresh tattoos, and areas too sensitive for her – again, this comes down to communication.
No matter how experienced either of you is or what kind of impact play you’re doing, take impact slowly. You begin by warming up the area.
Start with soft hits so the skin gets used to it and so that her tolerance can build up. It will also build anticipation.
Begin by finding out how much they can take by asking them to rate the pain of your hit. If it’s immediately a 7 or higher, you’re going too hard, too quick. Take it slow, make it gradual. Check-in with her throughout.
I’d suggest beginning with spanking and then using household items. Anything can be part of your BDSM idea… if you’re brave enough 😉. You’ll never look at a wooden spoon the same way again.
Remember to remove rings and jewelry when spanking!
While playing, it’s fun to caress her butt or upper thighs just before you’re about to hit. It also builds her anticipation and will almost have her begging for it.
Spanking her ass is great during doggy style and she will probably ask you for more, especially just before she’s about to orgasm.
In general, it’s good to mix up sensations. After a hard spank, rubbing or tickling the same area gently will feel more intense than you can imagine.
Her skin will be ‘awake’ and she’ll probably feel like she’s orgasming across her whole body! Every moment of contact after impact play will be electrified.
Roleplay or should we say… doctor doctor.
At its core, BDSM is always role play. No one is really a master or a brat or a slave or a kitten. But you can take it a step further and get more specific.
Roleplay gets us out of our heads. We get to become someone else and be open about our desires. The characters and roles can inspire what we do and can help you create a great scene.
The roles usually help the ‘top/bottom or dom/sub dynamic’. A doc always has control over their patient. A police officer is always in charge whereas a criminal is always bottoming.
There are different things you can do to be more convinced by your ‘scene’.
- You can dress up
- You can change your voice
- You can change what you call each other – work this into the rules
- The rules and types of punishment can be themed
- You can change your play area
Roleplaying is fun and it helps to remember the power dynamic you’ve agreed on. It also signals the beginning and end of a scene really well.
This is a good step to introduce orders and commands to your partner and it’s one of the less ‘scary’ kinks. (unless you choose some Godzilla/Kink Kong story)
Exhibitionism and voyeurism
Some like watching and some like being watched.
It’s a great fucking balance. 60% of men and 40% of women reported that the idea of watching others have sex or get intimate turned them on.
Living out your voyeurism fantasy doesn’t have to be a full-on sex club in Berlin!
Ways to begin exploring voyeurism can start with:
- watching each other masturbate
- watching porn together
- imagining and discussing other people having sex
Ways to explore exhibitionism can start off slow, too:
- Playtime with the curtains open
- Sharing dirty photos (if they want this! Don’t share it out the blue and always include ‘NSFW’ when sharing)
- Car sex
Orgasm control
Orgasm control is when you get her close to orgasming and then stop. It can be a fun and light punishment. Over and over again.
A survey taken during lockdown suggested that this was the third most practiced kink.
You see, the female orgasm isn’t that mysterious. It happens in stages:
Excitement/desire →plateau→ orgasm→ resolution.
You’ll want to build up excitement and desire so she gets ready for what’s about to come… or not come.
During the plateau phase, you tease her. Do this with foreplay, sex toys like vibrators, small bullets, magic wands, or even ice cubes. Temperature play is great… anything that will feel good and get her close to coming.
And when you feel like it, you let her come. This puts you in charge of her pleasure and it will intensify her orgasm. Finishing off with sex is great at this point and you will make your partner orgasm again, potentially.
The list of kinks is endless. BDSM play can be simple, complex, in between. It’s all up to you. Do research, figure out what you like. Here are some extra kinks for you to look into…
- Sensory deprivation – Sensory deprivation can be as simple as using blind folds.
- Sensation play – Feather tickling is great underrated sensation play
- Biting – Use the tools you have. Biting could awaken her animalistic side!
- Candle Wax – Tip: You can switch between candle wax and ice cubes – it’s great for temperature play!
How to introduce BDSM activities to your partner
I can’t emphasize this enough. If you whip out a spank or call her a ‘stupid little slut’ out of the blue for the first time, you will break things and ruin the BDSM experience for her.
Once you know what you want to try, bring it up to your partner.
You can be specific or let her know you want to try new things with her. Remind her that you’re interested in increasing her pleasure and experience too.
If she’s against it, drop it. You can’t force it. You’ve planted the seed. She’ll think about it and if her mind changes, I promise she will let you know.
If she’s interested, lucky you!
A great thing to try is called a yes/no/maybe board. You find a list of kinks or new things to try and you each figure out what you want, what you’re willing to try, and what is not on the table.
You could even print out two copies and compare answers at the end.
Another one of my favorite tricks is this app. You link with your partner and you swipe left on things you’re not interested in and right on things you are interested in. It will then only show you your matches!
Get comfortable with dirty talk. It will make her more excited and it’s a great way to communicate what you want before and during sex. It also helps get you both out of your comfort zone in a comfortable way
Introduce a sex toy.
- This can start small but it lets her know that her pleasure matters to you and it introduces new ways of playing in a safe and fun way.
- You can begin with a bullet, cock ring, wand (big or small).
- You can also check out nipple clamps. Nipple clamps can be as heavy as you like and you can tighten nipple clamps however much you want. This is a good intro into breast torture (be very careful here and do extra research)
- A good intro toy is also a ball gag. Same rules apply. Do your research. Have a time limit in mind when starting out. Have an agreed non-verbal safe signal.
As mentioned earlier, do your homework, know what you’re speaking about, know what you want and be clear in what you’re saying. Make it easy for her to want to say yes and get her excited!
How to negotiate / contracts
For better, safer play, negotiate playtime before it starts.
To begin, my suggestion is to create a contract that only applies to playtime (and not 24/7)
I would start with a light contract, with a few easy rules and punishments for breaking those rules. The rule must be clear and you must communicate when the punishment is being handed out.
The rules can be along the lines of:
- When I say kneel, get on all fours until I tell you to get up.
- You will address me as ‘sir’ or ‘daddy’.
- Always say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ – especially when asking for orgasms or permission to come.
- When I spank you, you count.
For now, the idea of punishment is cute fun and exciting. We will not go into real punishment that comes with shame and pain that your partner didn’t sign up for. We will go for funishment.
Funishments could be:
- (more or less) Spanks
- Orgasm denial
- Timeout
You should:
- Make sure your orders are clear and that there’s no way to misinterpret them
- Make sure they make sense to the scene
After negotiating, you should know the following:
- Are they okay with you leaving marks?
- What is their safe word?
- What punishment they agree to
- Discuss limits (things you both absolutely won’t even try)
- Discuss aftercare and know what makes your sub feel comfortable and better. I had a girl who needed Salt and Vinegar Pringles, an episode of New Girl, and cuddles after a session of impact. (she also had the best orgasm of her life during these sessions – her words, not mine)
- What does she consent to? There are different kinds of consent and different ways to consent that you should look into and understand. After all, a ‘fuck yes!’ when asking her if she wants something is hot as hell!
If you agree to a dominant and submissive dynamic for a session, remember that you are in control. You are guiding the scene and she’s only going to do what you tell her to do.
- Make sure your orders are clear and that there’s no way to misinterpret them.
- Make sure they make sense to the scene and to the mood.
- Remember to have authority.
- Remember that no matter what rules you have, the submissive person can always use a safe word (or a safe gesture, like a tapout, if they are being gagged)
They might call a safe word because they’re uncomfortable, because they’re seriously hurt or for many other reasons.
The only thing that matters is that you respect it and that you help them feel safe again (aftercare!).
BDSM FAQs
Where is a good place to start?
This is a broad question but I’ll keep it basic.
- Find out what you like. Have a look at this BDSM test to see where on the kinky scale you fall. This test isn’t foolproof but it’ll help you know which role to start looking into.
- From there, see what goes into being a good top / dom or a good bottom / sub
- From thereon, begin communicating with your partner. This book is full of great tips, tricks and examples!
Do I need things like tools, a mentor, experience, BDSM bondage gear?
- You need to be curious.
- You need to do research.
- Believe it or not, you have so many kinky toys right at home, so no tools needed.
- Like Clothespins. Again, look into it. Don’t just take the laundry down and throw clothespins on her chest.
- Wooden spoons, a sleep mask, a belt… you name it. Everything else still applies – communicate with your partner and do your research into each kink.
Is it always sexual?
No. People get different things from BDSM. Some people like a release, some orgasm from impact without sex, some prefer it with sex. This can be negotiated with your partner too. It can be sensual without being sexual.
Does it have to hurt?
Absolutely not. It can be incredibly gentle and soft.
A simple feather could drive someone wild and close to orgasm. It could be a psychological exchange of power.
It could be pure pleasure. It’s up to you, really.
Are kinky people… messed up?
No. While there are some dangerous kinks and kinks I might not be a fan of, being kinky and having a BDSM approach to relationships can actually be viewed as more healthy.
Communicating needs; getting consent; negotiating; helping each other explore and discover themselves… What’s messed up about that?
In closing
And now we take the collar off. We’re at the end of our scene and we go back to normal life.
While you’re exploring BDSM, don’t forget that there are other ways to blow her mind.
Great foreplay and sex can be just as wild as kinky sex, and I know exactly how to help you make that happen.
Check out my Censored Secrets course. You’ll learn everything from foreplay and how to tease her to dirty talk and staying harder for longer.
Keep it sexy.
Keep it kinky.
Do your homework.
Be a king.
Blow her mind… every single time.
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