In this article you will learn:
- What you need to do before fingering a woman
- What not to do when fingering a woman
- Why foreplay is important
- My “fingering cheat code” to discover exactly what a woman wants
Unfortunately, fingering is seen by a lot of people as a teenage act that has no place in adult sex lives, but let me tell you, they couldn’t be more wrong.
If you finger a girl right, it is an unstoppable path to get your woman to orgasm.
That said, at its worst, it can be the most uncomfortable, irritating or outright painful thing to happen in the bedroom.
When it comes to creating the persistent, rhythmic and often subtle stimulation required to really please a woman with your hands, your fingers are a sexual tool like no other.
But as a man, you still need to know how to use them.
It is important you learn how to get it right, which is the whole point of the following guide – tell your partner to put our thank you letter in the post.
Anatomy of a Vagina
Before we get into various details, it’s important for a man to know his way around.
We can’t talk about what to do, or where to be going if you don’t know the basics of each part of the vagina and where it is.
Pubic mound – Or the mons pubis – a mound of fatty tissue covering the pubic area in women sitting above their vagina.
Clitoral Hood – At the top of her vagina, a little flap of skin that covers her clitoris. Think of it like our foreskin, acting as protection for her sensitive clitoris.
Clitoris – located above the vaginal opening and urethra. Clitoral stimulation is the primary source of female sexual pleasure.
Labia Majora – The labia majora are a pair of rounded folds of skin and adipose that are part of the external female genitalia. What many refer to as their ‘flaps’, their function is to cover and protect the inner, more delicate and sensitive structures of the vulva.
Labia Minora – The inner lips that lie inside the labia majora, are another two small folds of skin that extend backward on each side of the opening into the vagina.
Urethral Opening – Slightly above her vaginal entrance, is a smaller hole called the urethral opening; this is where she pees from and for the purpose of fingering will not need any attention.
Vaginal Opening – The opening into the vagina. It’s located between the urethra and the anus.
Anus – Also known as her butthole. It starts at the bottom of the rectum, the last portion of the colon and can also be used for sexual pleasure.
Things to bear in mind:
Women are a lot more self conscious than men when it comes to bedroom activities, especially about their vaginas.
And if a woman is unable to relax, whether it be when you’re fingering, going down on or having sex with her, then you can forget any chance you may have had of making her come.
Let me repeat that; how comfortable and relaxed a girl is able to be with you, will be a huge determinant of how likely she will be to reach orgasm.
I say all of this to say every vagina is vastly different when it comes to:
*Before* you make any comment on your girl’s vagina, keep this in mind.
Labia – the lip-like folds of the skin around the vaginal opening – vary in size, shape and colour – check out The Great Wall of Vaginas to see just how much variance there can be.
Pubic hair can vary in color, thickness and density, as well as how the woman decides to style it.
On taste, a healthy vulva is not taste-less, it can be; salty, sour, metallic-y, bitter, sharp or tangy.
When it comes to scent, every vagina has its own distinct odour – ranging from musky, to earth, musty, sour or coppery.
Unless it is clear there is something wrong, with the smell being like rotten meat or decaying fish, or the taste being foul – which indicates an infection which you should get your partner to check out – it is not necessary to verbalise any comments you may have about a vagina.
Unless it’s to tell her how sexy it is.
It will only serve to make your partner more conscious and potentially insecure about them.
Can you get an STI from fingering?
It is perhaps obvious that fingering is a low-risk activity when it comes to getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI).
However, that does not mean it is without any risks at all.
STI transmission is possible which is a problem none of us want to have to deal with.
If someone has an STI spread through body fluids – such as gonorrhea or chlamydia – and then touch themselves before putting their fingers inside a vagina it is possible to transmit the disease.
You can reduce this risk of transmission by wearing a finger cot, a nitrile or a latex glove, but I’m well aware the likelihood of that happening is slim to none.
So, if you are going to be engaging sexually with a new partner, I would advise both getting tested and then you can have some latex free fun…unless that’s your kinda thing!
It should also go without saying, for hygiene purposes, ensure you wash your hands and they are clean/germ free before touching another person’s genitals.
Wash your hands after too, you don’t have to jump out of bed and run to the toilet, but make sure you do it before you eat or touch your eyes.
Fingering a girl with long fingernails
I want to be absolutely clear on this – do not try to finger a girl with long fingernails.
Cut your talons!
Want to know why?
Take your index finger and put it in your mouth. Now move your fingernail along the inside of your cheek.
Now imagine that you feel this in your urethra.
Not very nice right?
A woman feels that too when you finger her with long nails.
The result is that she will let you keep going for a minute (whilst secretly dying inside). Then she asks you to stop, or if she does not want to hurt your ego, pretends she comes.
So, cut and shape your nails.
Do this once a week, so you never forget it; put it as a recurring item on your calendar if you have to!
Your girlfriend will be forever grateful.
Communication in the bedroom
Every person is built differently.
Every woman masturbates differently.
One might be more sensitive than the other, another might prefer a more firm touch.
What might be orgasmic pleasure for one, could be another’s worst nightmare.
The only way to truthfully find out a woman’s preferences is by asking her – but this is a skill in itself.
But there is a key thing to remember – avoid open ended questions.
While fingering her, you don’t want to ask her long philosophical questions.
You want to make it as simple and easy as possible for her to respond.
An answer that she really has to think, is too much, can be distracting and take her out of the moment (remember, we are trying to keep her relaxed and comfortable).
Bad question: “So how does this feel?”
Good question: “Harder or softer?”Ask closed questions, to which she can only give you two answers (yes / no).
Listening to your partner and learning their body language is important to any kind of sex play, but particularly fingering which can be considerably more painful than other activities, if done incorrectly.
How to finger a woman
I’ve already alluded to it, but getting your girl comfortable and relaxed is key – because without it, she isn’t getting turned on.
Fingering is not a wham bam, thank you m’am, type of play.
It needs thought, consideration and time – don’t rush – it is an art!
Consider your environment – make sure it’s clean and tidy, maybe dim the lights, turn the heating on if it’s winter, put a playlist of some of her favorite music on.
Those are some basics, but get to know what will make your partner be able to be present in the moment with you.
Besides consent (please, for the love of god don’t make me have to go into what this means), getting your girl turned on – how aroused she is – is the most important in fingering her – more than the actual fingering technique.
If her vagina is dry as a desert, it doesn’t matter what you are doing with your fingers.
Before you’re even considering going down to her vagina, get her warmed up with foreplay such as:
- Nipple play
- Dirty talk
- Dry humping
Take your time on this.
There is no rush.
At least 15-20 minutes on build up will do plenty in terms of preparing your woman and building anticipation.
Once it shows and you can sense she is turned on, it’s time to make the move towards her vagina.
What not to do when fingering a girl
Seems to be worth saying a few things to *not* do, before we get to the steps on what to do.
Unfortunately, for many men, their primary reference for what to and not to do during sex is porn.
Many men look at porn and see an actor slam his whole hand in her…
Or that they rub her clit with lighting speed.
So men think:
“Let’s do it as fast as possible and with as many fingers as possible.“
Let me be clear:
Do not do this.
Take your time, do not look to stick a finger straight inside her like you’re scooping out the last of the peanut butter from a jar.
Here’s what to do:
Step 1: Stimulate her through her clothes
We always want to be building anticipation.
Leave her pants/shorts/knickers on to begin with and start with rubbing her vagina over her clothing.
‘Cupping’ the vulva, or rubbing it with your open hand, while applying varying pressures can get be enough to really get her going.
And when that is happening, move on to removing her bottoms, or unzipping/unbuttoning them to be able to get some skin on skin contact.
Step 2: Work outside-in
Remember, yes we are wanting to get our fingers in, but we want to arouse her as much as possible beforehand.
When it comes to this fingering game, think of it as outside-in.
Meaning, your focus needs to be on all the external areas before getting internal.
I like the analogy of the clitoris being like a bullseye.
Imagine the centre target (the clit itself) and then rings going outwards around it.
Start by caressing and touching the outer edges of that target, in a light and teasing way to build anticipation.
As your partner responds and you are picking up positive vibes, work your way inwards, from the inner thighs, perineum, and pubic mound to the outer and then inner labia – always slow, always light.
Begin building a rhythm and focusing in on the areas they respond to the most.
Consider rubbing your finger back and forth, or tracing a circle – using your partner’s cues as a guide; keep an eye on their words, noises, breathing and tension in their body.
Step 3: The Clit
Once you have worked your way through the outer circles of the ‘bullseye’ it’s time to get to the target for clit stimulation.
The clitoris is the most sensitive erogenous zone on most women due to its high concentration of nerve endings.
There are over 8,000 nerve endings in the clit alone – more than double that of a penis – pretty impressive for a body part so small (typically the size of a pea).
It is the epicentre of female pleasure and you need to treat it as such.
Some different techniques to experiment with – both with her clit and around her vulva – before actually inserting a finger inside her:
– stroking around the clitoris (not directly on it)
– tapping on the clitoral hood
– applying pressure on the pubic mound
– stroking in large circles around the whole vulva
– swiping back and forth along the perineum
Ensure you pay attention to her body cues and communicate.
Step 4: Entering inside her
After you’ve worked the clitoris and your partner is really warmed up and you can feel how wet she is getting, some will like a little penetration with finger play.
Your finger is usually dry (= pain).
So, put it briefly in her mouth (or yours, or anyone else’s who might be there!) before you start with one finger and try to slide it inside her.
Alternatively, you can use lube. Lube is a welcome addition to almost any activity, including hand play – the less friction, the better.
Slippery is sexy.
Begin with a single finger, a knuckle deep, palms facing up.
There are a few things you can try once inside with one finger:
- Try a circular, swirling motion, stirring up the sensitive area at the vaginal opening
- An inch or two in, a spongey area that feels more rough or bumpy than everywhere else ss the g-spot – use a ‘come-hither’ motion using a finger against this front wall of the vagina for g-spot stimulation
- Using the rest of your hand you can caress and massage the clitoris and labia as your other fingers are stimulating her inside – known as ‘double stimulation’
- Sliding inside to caress the G-spot before slipping them back out and over the clitoris rhythmically and back in again
- The ‘windscreen wiper motion’, so moving your finger from side to side across the g-spot, essentially wiping her g-spot.
The most sensitive spot is going to be different for each woman so as always, you’ll have to do some experimenting with your fingertips!
With your fingers try different speeds, pressures, depths, spots and watch her to see how she reacts.
Don’t change what you’re doing too quickly – allow her to really feel it and react to it.
Experiment with each spot, speed and pressure for at least 30 seconds.
And again, remember you can always go faster and harder but if you go too hard or too fast from the get-go you can ruin it and kick her out of the mood – not a good idea.
Always start slow and soft and gradually increase the speed and pressure.
If you wanted to mix it up from the g-spot, you also have the potential to give her an A-spot orgasm.
The a-spot is known for being a little more difficult to find than the g-spot.
You should note that every woman’s internal structure is slightly different, but as a rough rule, it is normally a full finger – 4-6 inches – along the front vaginal wall.
Here’s what you need to do:
- Using your middle finger, curl your other fingers out the way to be able to use the entire length of the middle finger inside
- Run your fingertip along the top of her vagina until you feel a hard edge
- Just past this is the a-spot, it will feel smoother and larger than the g-spot
- Be careful going too deep, you do not want to touch the cervix which is uncomfortable for most women – think of it like being kicked in the balls!
If you’re feeling particularly adventurous and you and your partner are comfortable enough around each other, I would also look into using fingering to make her squirt.
Additionally, if you think she could do with more ‘girth’, you can consider using your thumb, though the angles are a little more tricky and you will need to be in different positions.
Fingering cheat code
You want to skip all the intricacies of having to learn yourself what she likes?
Get her to show you.
Say to her:
“Show me how you like it.“
(Do not ask what she likes, but tell her to show it.)
Look, you are never going to touch her better than she does herself.
She, of course, has much more practice and can feel exactly what is fun – everybody loves their own touch!
It would be a shame not to learn from it.
If she does not want to show because she is shy, then try saying:
“I can’t read your mind. Wouldn’t you rather have me doing it well? Show me how you like it.“
Of course, there’s only so much you can push if she doesn’t want to, if so, so be it, but if she does, you’ve skipped yourself a lot of work.
Using toys when fingering
Using sex toys can be a great way of supplementing hand sex.
Vibrators in particular are great additions – try teasing your partner by running it across their entire vulva (also try other erogenous zones like the inner thighs and nipples) before using it on their vagina, focusing on the clitoris.
Adding in oral sex to fingering
If you want to take the hand-play to the next level, a guy will struggle to go wrong by adding a bit of tongue action.
I won’t go into too many details as you can read our guide on how to eat pussy, but in brief, whilst doing the fingering techniques we went through above, experiment with running your tongue over and around her clit.
Change the speed, change the angles, alternate the pressure, your task is to find out how she likes it and what really gets her off.
Though the experimentation is necessary to begin with, once you find what works, stop switching it up.
You want to get a rhythmic style going until she orgasms.
Integrating oral is a good option if your hand is getting tired and needs a little break.
Alternating between the two can provide women different sensations which can help mix things up, but ensure when you are doing something she likes – or she is close – you do not stop!
What to do after fingering
I find it a bit weird to look at each sexual activity – such as fingering – as individual standalone things.
But for some, it can be.
What happens after you’ve fingered her largely depends on what you and your partner want.
For some people, being brought to orgasm through fingering is a singular activity which needs no other additions, for others, it’s just a small part of a drawn out session.
How to know what to do next?
If you brought her to orgasm, give her a few seconds break.
When following this advice you’ll often give her a powerful orgasm and she’ll be very sensitive for a short time, so, just cuddle up, possibly kiss her neck and chill for 30 seconds.
Typically intercourse will follow this, but not always.
When in doubt:
Check in with your partner and find out what they want and think about what you want.
And if it is done?
Make sure you tell your partner how much you loved fingering them, or how good it felt to have your fingers inside them.
Most men think a sexual encounter starts when the intercourse starts – but it doesn’t, it starts way before that.
Now you have everything you need to get your girl in orgasmic ecstasy by fingering her, take this knowledge and apply it.
However, if you want to make women come even harder, there is much more to learn.
I have a collection of over 100 videos that cover every aspect of being the best she’s ever had and improving your sex life.
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