It’s a debate that has raged for decades across many a bar-top and male social gatherings across the world:
What do women really want in bed?
Whilst every man likes to think he knows, judging by the results of every sexual satisfaction survey that has ever been done, very few do.
And of course, if you actually thought you knew, you wouldn’t be here reading this article.
I can already say, with confidence, you are better than 99% of men out there by the very fact you are seeking out the information I am about to provide you.
I’m going to preface all of this with saying – as always – what a woman wants from a man is always down to individual preferences and it is up to you to learn what those things are to ensure you are able to give her maximum satisfaction in the bedroom.
In the following article, we’ll go into the twelve things that have come up repeatedly in research done asking what women want in bed.
Here’s the breakdown of 12 things women want in bed.
1) Longer foreplay
Though people often tend to incorrectly conflate longer sex with better sex, one place that women definitely feel needs more attention is foreplay.
This is the number one complaint from women.
A 2004 study published in the Journal of Sex Research found women’s ideal length is 19 minutes but the average length in reality is actually just 11 minutes.
And I would say anecdotally, even this is a stretch.
Judging from thousands of emails, comments and interactions I have every week with men trying to improve their sex life, most have not even considered putting more effort into foreplay.
Women take a long time to get into sex.
They need to be warmed up.
They need to get turned on.
And once they are turned on it takes most women longer to have an orgasm than the majority of men can last…(side note – here are some thrusting techniques to last longer).
Men are like a light switch, we see a woman deep throat and we’re instantly turned on.
Women are more like a log fire.
They can be difficult and take a long time to get started, and even once it is going, you’ve got to continually add logs to the fire.
But do it right and for long enough and you can end up with something that might burn the house down.
If you want your woman asking you to tie her to the bed, then you need to give her the sex she craves…
That means taking your time and giving her orgasms every time – most easily achieved through longer foreplay.
2) Mental stimulation
Whilst men’s arousal is more closely linked to visual stimulation, for women, the mental side of things – their imagination – is where the real magic happens.
That men and women have differences when it comes to getting turned on, has been well documented – whilst for men, just merely the act of sex will do the job, for women, contextual factors matter; the environment, for example.
Getting a woman’s mind going is easier than it might sound.
Making her fantasize is the secret.
You can spark her fantasies by saying the right things. You don’t even need to touch her, and it can begin before you even come close to the bedroom.
Dirty talk is key.
You can do this from a distance – with an email, phone call or a sexy message.
Or in person during foreplay – which can start in a restaurant or at the movie theater.
You just have to handle it in a way that gets your woman excited.
You’ll need to use your imagination – it will take more than a “I want to fuck you” text.
Descriptive words, really painting the picture in her mind is what will send her wild.
You’ll need to consider:
- What to say
- How to say it
- When you say it to her
Make sure it DOESN’T seem like you only want her for sex.
Dirty talk is about giving subtle hints, let her fill in the blanks.
Let her fantasize about what you could do to her. But don’t do it (yet).
Get this right, and she’ll want you to touch her more, and do exactly what she’s fantasizing about.
And even then, you don’t give her what she wants right away…
3) Teasing, build up & anticipation
Teasing, building up to it, and working with anticipation are all foreign concepts to most men.
But, they are of massive importance to women.
Relationships author Shaunti Feldhahn recommends building ‘anticipation time’ to better please your partner and improve your sex life.
If when I say ‘foreplay’ you think of licking pussy and fingering then hang your head in shame.
Another of the most common complaint from women is men going straight for the pussy as soon as they get undressed.
Do. Not. Do. This.
Check this clip of Monica from Friends for a better understanding:
Don’t worry too much about what the 7 points were.
Just think about this:
Try to avoid her breasts, ass and pussy for as long as you possibly can.
An erotic massage could be perfect.
If you can do it for an hour she will be squirming.
If you can do this for two hours she will beg you...
Touch her entire body as slowly as softly as you can for as long as you can.
Go as slowly and as softly as you can while maintaining a smooth movement.
Women like to be teased. It stimulates them and challenges them.
You also show that you’re not boring, and that you’re in control.
What is sexual teasing?
Getting her going and slowing her down again.
That on/off button that I mentioned before – it’s more like a volume button with women.
And you have to turn this button calmly.
Build up the tension slowly.
This is how you get her sopping wet:
- Stop every now and then – even if she says she wants more
- Undress her slowly. Bit by bit. (30 min+ is the guideline).
- Do you want to lick her? First place soft kisses on the insides of her thighs.
- Don’t get right to penetrating. But do let her feel how hard you are.
It’s important to build up the tension as much as possible.
She will beg for more.
Kissing is very intimate and not to be underestimated in its importance.
Especially if you do it right.
If, after 10 beers and at the end of the evening, you’re wildly frenching in the back of the bar – that’s not very intimate.
It can be a turn on, of course. But if you’re in a relationship, your wife or girlfriend also wants to feel wanted.
Studies have shown kissing to be more important in long-term relationship contexts – particularly so by women – and kissing frequency has been found to be related to relationship satisfaction.
If you kiss her well, you’re guaranteed to make her weak in the knees.
But what you really want is to make her wet. And a good kiss will do that too, if you do it right.
This is how you drive her crazy;
Start very slowly, with little kisses on her neck, on her cheeks, and then back to her neck.
The first time, you kiss her very softly. Then you grab her a little more tightly, and kiss her harder.
Then kiss her face again, and her neck, hands, wrists, arms, until she lets you know she wants more.
When she lets you know she wants more, don’t give it to her right away, but wait for a while.
This will make her want it even more.
Then kiss her again, a little more intensely. Grab her head and let her know that you want her.
Let it build up: timing is everything.
A lot of women don’t come during sex.
Cosmopolitan readers were asked how often they come. No less than 46% of all the women who took the survey reported that they don’t always come during sex.
The result of not always making her come? A dissatisfied girlfriend or wife. Take a look at the shocking results of the following questions:
No less than 69% of the women are DISSATISFIED.
And what do women do? They complain… Not to you, but to friends or on a forum.
There’s a fair chance that YOU don’t realize anything. The number of women who fake an orgasm is shockingly high.
Conclusion: Ensure you ALWAYS make her come.
But I want to focus on one in particular; vaginal orgasms.
Don’t get me wrong.
You should be giving your woman clitoral orgasms almost every single time you get down to it.
You need to realise she can give herself clitoral orgasms.
Think about it from your own perspective:
Yes it’s nice to get a hand job from someone with two x chromosomes, but, you can do it yourself.
And you’re probably pretty good at it…
A hand job from someone else is nothing compared to a blowjob or anal sex.
It is much harder for a woman to give herself a vaginal orgasm, and not only that:
For most women a vaginal orgasm is much more intense, it’s a better release and more satisfying.
The easiest way of giving women vaginal orgasms is through stimulating her G-spot.
Women hate when a guy is silent during sex, it’s weird.
If you are like a mime artist during sex or if the only sounds you make are a couple of grunts just before she swallows your children then this should be priority number 1 for you.
Don’t believe me? Take it from sex and relationships writer Emma Austin:
“…No one wants to be fucking a guy who keeps their chill. That’s not the effect we want to have on them. We want them to lose their minds. We want to know that fucking us is so good they can barely contain themselves. We don’t just want to give guys pleasure — we want to hear it.”
A lot of guys might feel a little insecure making noise, worrying what their partner might think, or feeling stupid.
But trust me, you can’t go wrong on this one.
The grunts and groans are like non-verbal praise to a woman and make her feel desired, wanted and attractive.
Not only should you vocalize your pleasure, but learn how to talk dirty.
And never have sex in silence again.
7) To be fully present & let go
During sex, women can worry about the strangest things.
Is he enjoying it? Does he think I’m beautiful? Have I done the laundry? What do I need to do tomorrow?
And you don’t want that.
If she thinks too much, she’ll also enjoy herself less.
You want her to let go completely. And NOT think.
This is how you do this:
- It’s important that she trusts you. If you’ve known each other for a few hours, tell her a story about your family, or how you used to be.
- Make her comfortable. Things like a dirty room, errands to run, or other seemingly simple things can be a distraction. If she is your long term partner remove as much off her plate as possible.
Give her time to get excited. At least an hour of foreplay. This way she’ll have time to let go.
8) To be dominated
Look at any study, survey or research questionnaire on women’s sexual fantasies and you will see some type of domination fantasy or even rape near the top, or at the top of the list.
In fact, a 2012 study examining women’s rape fantasies found up to 62% of women have some type of rape fantasy.
To be clear.
This does not mean that women want to get raped.
It should go without saying – there’s a big difference between a fantasy and what people actually want.
And this is even more true for women compared to men.
There are many theories as to why being dominated is the number one fantasy.
If you ask an evolutionary psychologist he will say something along the lines of:
As we were evolving if a man was dominant with his woman, he would often be dominant in other social situations and this would lead to him rising through a social hierarchy, acquiring more resources, giving her offspring a better chance of survival.
If you ask a woman she will say:
It makes her feel safe and desired.
But the evolutionary psychologist is only hypothesizing.
And the woman has no idea what drives her or why she likes what she likes.
(Just like until recently men had no idea why we wanted women with a 0.7 hip to waist ratio, or even that that is what we want)
But the reason is not too important.
What is important is that it is almost universal that women want their man to be dominant.
Fifty Shades of Grey has topped best-seller lists around the world, selling over 125 million copies worldwide by June 2015, being the fastest selling book of all time in the UK.
I rest my case.
But being dominant doesn’t mean being overly aggressive.
Almost all women want a dominant man, but not in the way most men mistakenly assume.
For some women a dominant man can just be a man who takes the lead
A man who initiates the sex, who takes charge once it begins and who doesn’t ask permission to do something he just does it
Or commands her to do it.
Think of it like a Latin dance.
The man is the dominant one he leads, but he doesn’t force her to do anything he just takes charge and shows her what he wants.
Tell her what you want, and then she can decide if she wants to do it or not.
You’re leading, not being pushy.
However just leading is just the minimum amount of dominance, it is the bottom of the spectrum.
A lot of women want it rough.
So don’t be scared to get rough, just make sure you start off slowly and lightly and escalate it slowly:
- Try grabbing her hair while you’re having sex
- Try a light spank to the ass
- Try putting your hand around her throat
- Try pinning her hands behind her back
Just start off gently and be sure to watch her reactions very very carefully.
If she’s not totally into something, then stop.
Take a step back and make it a bit lighter.
Then afterwards you can ask her what she didn’t like, or if she didn’t like it at all.
You may have misread her, but it’s always better to play on the safe side.
If she does like it, if she’s making it very clear she likes it by:
Then take it a step further, try grabbing her throat a bit harder, try throwing her up against the wall and having sex from behind.
But again, watch her reactions.
If she’s loving it, then try incrementally making it more and more rough.
If you’ve been together for a while, it is easy to get into stale routines.
Sex can become boring. In fact, biologists call this “habituation to a stimulus”.
And there is a growing body of research that suggests heterosexual women, in the aggregate, are likely to face this problem earlier in the relationship than men.
Yes, women, more than men, get bored with sex during long term relationships.
Never let it get that far.
If you normally have rough sex, make sure that’s not the only thing you do.
There’s more than one way to skin a cat.
And theres more than one way to have sex.
If you have rough sex most of the time, if you go as hard as you can, then sometimes you need to change it up and make love to her.
And, if you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum and you normally make love, then you need to change it up sometimes and get 50 shades of spanked ass on her.
Always mix it up.
Never get stuck in a rut.
She should never know what’s coming, this keeps it exciting for you and this keeps her pussy wet 24/7.
You have simple tricks for that:
- Change the rhythm during sex. A lot of women think it’s hot if you change the position and the rhythm.
- Do it very hard and rough once. Very softly and passionately the time after that. Not: BAM-BAM-BAM! like a rabbit (as women would describe this)
- A quickie every now and then is great if you give her a nice long steaming session under the shower next time. Or, mix it up with some anal.
- Experiment with toys; remember women are the primary consumers of sex-related technology, lubricants, massage oil and lingerie – not men.
You’ve got countless options at your disposal, just make sure you mix it up.
10) To feel special
Every woman wants to feel special, coveted and wanted.
Let her know that you think of her (and only her) as the most beautiful, the hottest, the sexiest.
Make her feel like she’s the most important thing in your life.
Not by actually putting everything aside for her….
…But by making her feel like you would.
For example, you can say “I might be late for work, but you’re too hot. I can’t keep my hands off of you.”
11) Sex in public
Back when you were just starting out with sex, the danger of being caught by your parents was a rush.
Remember having sex as quietly as possible in your room, while your parents were watching TV in the living room?
As adults, we still desire that rush.
Women especially get very horny at the thought of being caught in public.
Yes, including the nice girls who you thought were very well-behaved.
You just have to wait for the right moment.
Make sure she’s excited first, by kissing her, stroking her secretly under the table or dirty talk.
Then see how far you can go.
Full-on penetration might be a bit too risky.
The idea that you might come inside her any minute is often enough already.
But, if you do it well, there are more possibilities;
Fingering in the taxi, at the movies or under the table during dinner.
I have done it all.
Even sex in the bathroom, or an empty train cabin.
Here are some public sex spot suggestions.
Do you fall asleep immediately after you come?
That is a real deal breaker for a woman.
It’s a shame too.
You’ve just put all that effort into making her feel special. Bam. Then it’s gone all at once.
Learn what afterplay is.
By cuddling her after sex, or saying something sweet, she will feel more appreciated.
This way you can ensure there is more intimacy.
It is the cherry on the cake for women.
A woman may be wild between the sheets, but she wants you to know that she’s also a sweet girl.
If you make her feel like you know that, there is a much bigger chance that she’ll want to have sex with you more often.
The final top secret tip
To make it easier for you to pleasure your woman, I have developed a little trick that won’t just get her excited, but will also make her come hard.
I call it:
“Three Secret Touches”
It’s a simple routine – consisting of three steps, which when performed correctly, will have her soaking her wet, begging you to have sex.
Would you like to know how it works?
Click below, enter your email address and receive it for free right away & anonymously.